Petersburgian Case File #10: How To Fit In

A brief note before we dive into this entry. It has taken a bit of time to publish this one - I often enough have a few ready in advanced but because none of them are time specific I can sprinkle on some movie magic and pretend that the events of whichever post goes up that day are more or less "Live!" - it is a trick us folks here in Hollywood use. This entry, however, makes reference to things that, if you are also here with me, are clearly from over a week ago. I hate to be the one to spoil the illusion but those late night talk shows aren't really filmed at midnight either.

WHAT DIDN'T YOU LIE TO ME ABOUT YOU RED HEADED BASTARD?!?

Anyway, without further ado let me transport you back to the world of last Monday through my beautifully written prose.

So I'm walking down the street to our start of the year orientation at the University. All my professors will be there, the entire school's faculty and student body will be there, class photos will be taken - its a big day.

Say сыыыыыыыр!

But what do I have to worry about? I'm cool, I'm hip, I've got it all together - I have the necessary paperwork, I'm listening to my ipod while walking to the university, I've got about an hour to make a 40 minute walk - everything is clicking. Until, that is, I remember that I forgot to put on deodorant before heading out the door.

And I wasn't smart enough to invest in whatever the hell this is.

Thoughts start swirling round my head: Crisis! Panic! Disaster! What will happen now if I sweat? Dear god! Worrying about sweating is causing me to start sweating. Oh fate what a cruel, cruel mistress you are. Luckily for me I spot a beacon of hope on the horizon. Salvation: a pharmacy.

Who am I to question the form in which the Messiah chooses to present himself?

Quickly I run in only to discover that everything in the store is locked behind glass. I try communicating to the pharmacist that I want to buy some deodorant - any deodorant - whatever she recommends I don't care! But she tells me to point out specifically what I want. I see the word Nivea, point at it and a few dollars later am out on the street, deodorant in hand. "Success!" I think. But here another problem presents itself: How to apply said deodorant? No bathrooms around to pop into. Since I spent some time in the store I am kind of cutting it close getting there so I can't just go to a bathroom in the University (and besides I am not 100% positive where the bathrooms are in the building (plus, of course, I want to apply it before walking the few kilometers to the university)). And so I do what any rational human being would do at that moment: Open the deodorant and, while walking down one of the busiest streets of St. Petersburg, start awkwardly attempting to apply it* (bookbag on my back, sweater and cell phone in one hand, stick of deodorant in the other). Slowly but surely I get it done. In the process I manage to drop my cell phone on the ground - a man with confused compassion and pity in his heart picking it up for me.

Stop showing off you little punk - its not as easy as it looks.
Sidenote: top 3 ways google suggests fininsh the phrase "Man Applying..."
1. Man Applying Deodorant 2. Man Applying Condom 3. Old Man Applying Walmart

And so I walk to the university. Cool, hip, having it all together, ready for orientation with a smile on my face and the, if necessary, ever so clever answer of "I am just happy to see you but yes that is a stick of Russian Nivea deodorant in my pocket."


*I wasn't kidding before when I said no more half-measures.